Off to Bilbao in an unpaid leave. Everything seems awkward but I guess it is the correct thing to do. I need some time with my friends and family in order to rethink the future.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Today I started having flashbacks about what happened back 3 years ago. I still remember that fateful weekend when everything started. I remember being in Fionnbarra having a drink with you and how a couple of Polish workers started asking how could you be so static with such a beautiful girl by your side. On one hand I felt flattered but on the other, I realised that even the people who didnt knew us could see what was going on there. On Saturday morning when we woke up and after talking for few hours, we made love and you told me that it was over. I saw that coming for a while but I refused to admit to myself that you didn't like me as much as I did. The triangle you created was too much and by that time, it was out of control.
Exactly one week after that happened, I went to work and I started feeling that something was going wrong. I had been having an extremely weird feeling during the whole week and calling home and mum not answering me, didn't make things any better. I booked a flight straightaway and I found myself alone in one of the best hotels in Barcelona because I didn't make it on time for the second flight.
Next day I was already by his side but he couldn't hear me or talk to me cause he was already in a deep coma. I refused to see him anymore and spent the next days waiting for what was his end. After couple of days when the doctors told us it was a matter of hours, my only question was if he had suffered. They told me that he didn't and this fact still relieves me nowadays. Love you daddy. You will never be aware how much I miss and need you nowadays.
Last Monday I went to the Tattoo Studio to make the final refill of the tattoo. It is unbelievable how stronger I feel since then. As a good friend told me, it is a reminder of my Guardian Angel. Somebody for whom I should be strong and keep on going without looking back in time.
Lately, I also find myself worrying about the fact of getting older. I have never paid any special attention to my body but couple of months ago, I started noticing that the dresses were way too tight. Unconsciously, I blamed the washing machine but when I met my mum last March she told me the reality about the issue in a very subtle way: "Baby, your hips are slightly wider nowadays. You are developing a real woman's body!". I became so obsessed with it, that I bought my first spandex the other day. I must say that they are the unsexier thing I have ever seen. But who cares? My body looks fucking great on them and my self-esteem is back on track once Im wearing those.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
"Well, by the time you see this, I won't be here anymore, and I know how much that sucks, for both of us. So seeing as how I won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you.
Well, there's the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. And a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow, all right? And, um, I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream, and I insist that you, my girl, be a dreamer.
God. I've never really believed in god. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists. But I hope that you are able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, sweetheart... is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always.
And then there's love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it, like you, like spending the best year of my life with the sweetest and the smartest and the most beautiful baby girl in the world. You don't be afraid, sweetheart. And remember, to love is to live."